I Don't Hate My Boobs: Fakin' It Part II

Sad but true, I'm so technically stupid that I can't figure out how to comment on my own blog. 

Ronda, I buy my clothes at thrift stores and drive a 2001 Saturn that I'm determined to get the last mile out of.  Why on earth would I spend thousands for fake boobs?  I wouldn't.  And I've been wearing pushup bras for years.

Milk Man, you still can't spell.  I'm quite certain my breasts have never been "coddled."  But thanks for making me laugh.  And it isn't bad to like boobs.  Boobs are fun.  It's the special rules that apply to your wives and girlfriends that are bad.  Would you tell your girlfriend that if she got fake boobs you would no longer want to touch her?  If so, why?  If you don't mind looking at them, why wouldn't you want your girlfriend to have them?

Debbie, you are correct.  It is the double standard that I hate.  In the process of raising three daughters, I have become more sensitive to the double standards for women.  And I love my belly button.

Kimmy Sue is the energy that conforms.  She would be stupid enough to get a boob job.  She would secretly hate it.

Ruby Lou is the energy that laughs out loud and puts things in perspective.  Ruby Lou would get a boob job just to piss someone off, to push buttons and make fun of it all.  Or not.  She does what she wants. 

We are all duplicitous fakers.  That is the one thing we can be honest about. 

What we really want are boobs that don't need a bra.  We are both in agreement that bras are annoying.  Which means they either need to be smaller or they need to be fake. 

Fakin' It

I’ve lost weight before, but this time I’ve lost my boobs. I’m not sure where they went, but I’ve come to the realization that wherever they are they’re hanging out with belly rolls and a double chin that I no longer want. How dare they steal my girls!

This is so not fair. I’m not sure why. Maybe this is how men feel when their dicks no longer work.

The only thing I am sure of is that I’ve seriously considered a boob job. Seriously. I stopped coloring my hair to let my natural salt and pepper reign supreme (and I will never go back) but dammit, I want my boobs back. And if they insist on leaving me, permission not granted, then I have a right to do something about it…don’t I?

Apparently not. Another thing I am sure of is that my husband doesn’t like the idea at all. This seems rather inconsistent given the viewing pleasures of your average male. I just don’t get it.

I’m not treading unknown waters here. There’s a familiar line drawn between wife and slut. The moment you say I do, you can’t. Certainly, I understand the “wife in the kitchen, whore in the bedroom” mentality. That’s as it should be. No one wants to see their spouse acting all pornographic in public. Well maybe some do, but I’m talking about your average couple.

Having said all that, don’t let me fool you. I am 99.9% certain that I will never get a boob job. But that fraction of a percent of me that isn’t sure is very intrigued with the reasons why I might.

We all fake something. Why not boobs? Seriously. What’s the difference between pretending you like someone that you don’t, or pretending that you’re doing your job…and walking around with fake boobs? Other than the monetary expense, nothing.

Maybe what I’d really like to do is spend one day with double D water balloons just to see what I could get away with. Like a social experiment. I think it would be fun and funny. Boobs do have a way of bringing out the stupid in men.

Lame? Yes. Funny? Definitely. Come to think of it, those of us with boobs would have a lot less to laugh about if it weren’t for men. But they’re so cute!

Here’s what isn’t cute. Hypocrisy. Yes, if you’re reading this between the lines then you will notice some righteous feminine anger trying to evolve here.

Again, I’m not treading unknown waters. On the way to work this morning a local radio show presented this situation: A guy meets a girl at work and he is attracted to her because of the way she dresses, but once he hooks up with her he asks her to tone it down. Your thoughts?

I didn’t have time to respond or listen. Darn.

I have plenty to say about that. Mainly, it pisses me off. It’s not like men will ever stop lusting after the “slut.” But why do they not want their wives, girlfriends, significant others to be slutty?

Whether or not my boobs are real or fake is irrelevant.

Who’s faking here?  That is the question.

Female Chauvinist Pigs Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture - Ariel Levy