Deer In the Headlights: Trapped or Caught?

"Her pepper spray made it rather hard for me to walk her home, but I guess that's the way it goes."

 Owl City

If you grew up watching The Partridge Family and your favorite female role model was Shirley, chances are you never intended to be married.  However, intent without resolve will find you married anyway...a few times in fact. 

Seriously.  I was not born with the "bride gene."  I didn't dream of the big day or the damned dress.  I don't know why. 

The first time it happened, I wore the damned dress.  You know, the one that's white but shouldn't be.  My mother picked it out while I was at work.  Don't even get me started on "the train."  He was a nice man, actually, and he loved me enough that he didn't want me to go to hell...as in the only way we could have sex again was to get married.  He was a preacher's son - the good kind.  And I have to admit, it's really sweet when a man doesn't want you to burn in hell.  I have my moments.  That moment lasted nine months, at which point I set him free so he could find what was right for him.  He is now a preacher with a lovely wife and three sons.  And I'm quite certain that neither of them will burn in hell. I'm also certain that I was not meant to be a preacher's wife.

Ten years later, it happened again.  I don't remember what I wore, but I do remember getting the marriage license and noticing that the gun license department was next door.  Shoot me, I'm getting married again?  Anyway, he was a very deep, passionate man (and still is)...he was also one angry son of a bitch.  However, I was not ready to "look in that mirror."  Nope.  I needed to be a victim.  We all do at times. Isn't it easier to blame someone else for something that you don't want to see in yourself?  Of course it is.  You simply sit back, watch the show...and plan your escape.  So I escaped. 

Eight years later...DAMN...IT HAPPENED AGAIN!  I must say, as far as weddings go this was my favorite.  It was potluck.  Literally.  Everyone brought a dish to share, musicians showed up and jammed and I wore overalls, (a dress version, it was a wedding after all) and since I forgot my special shoes I simply slipped on some available flip flops on my way out the door.  After the ceremony, I gave the veil back to the lady I had borrowed it from and instantly changed into my reception outfit.  Perfect day...followed by the honeymoon from hell!  My anger had found a home. 

Yep, Kimmy Sue grew a dick and had the biggest hard on of her life.  There wasn't a condom big enough to contain that hot mess!  That marriage set me free in every sense of the word.  Release is a beautiful thing.

I also realized what my biggest fear is.  A few years ago, a close friend pointed it out.  I didn't really get it at the time, but I sure as hell get it now. 

And I can thank a little "deer in the headlights" moment that freaked me out (as in mister, don't you dare get out of that truck, don't even roll down the window!) for helping me to remember what a friend once told me.

I don't mind "being trapped" because all I have to do is chew my foot off and hobble away.  However, "getting caught" is something else entirely. 

 

If I'm telling you something you already know about this life, good for you.  Seriously.  But, if sharing my stupid attempts to grow, evolve and see the writing on the wall whenever possible helps you in some way...well, that makes me happy. 

 

2011 has been the best year of my life, all things considered.  As for 2012?  I have no idea where I'm going, but seeing as how I have no feet left...I won't be running...in any direction.