Sentient Beings: Fifty Shades of Ass...she's so silly!

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
- Alicia Silverstone, Actress

"We are not ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." - Dan Quayle

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Once in a while it helps to be reminded that there are people out there who make less sense than I do.  Whew.  I can do crazy ass, cryptic ass, crude ass, evolving ass, freak ass, shy ass, smart ass, stubborn ass and, my personal favorite, bongo ass...ahem...but dumb ass is not on my list of things to be when I grow up. 

I'm currently feeling a strong, unfettered reconnection to my silly ass.  She looks like this:

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And she thinks this is great advice to all sentient beings:

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It's like AA, but for dumb asses!  I've never been there, but the brochure looks nice.

As for Fifty Shades, I just finished the trilogy so I had to throw in a reference.  Part of reconnecting with my silly ass and putting my evolving ass on the shelf for a bit.

What did you think of the trilogy?  I can honestly say that the story was entertaining, but I simply didn't find myself sitting around drooling over all the sex scenes.  As a matter of fact, the sex scenes were so redundant that I found myself skimming over most of them in order to get back to the personalities beneath the "kinky fuckery."  Oh, there they go again...he's tying her up again...oh, look at that, he's spanking her again...yep, she likes it...again! 

Seriously.  Once upon a time, I was a Criminal Justice major.  I was more fascinated with the psychology of the criminal mind.  You know...WHY did Jeffrey Dahmer drill a hole in someone's head and pour battery acid in there?  Now that's psycho ass! 

Recently, a new breed of ass was discovered...the psycho dumb ass.  Yeah, apparently this ass makes an appearance when you have the brilliant idea to ingest something called "bath salts".  And if you're into that, followed by getting naked and chewing human flesh, you are not only dumb...YOU ARE  PSYCHO!  So.  Psycho Dumb Ass.  In my opinion, this is the the most dangerous. 

Don't get me wrong.  I'm all for a little ear nibbling, but if you draw blood...game over! 

Back to "Fifty Shades."  I wouldn't place BDSM in the fetish category.  After all, a little spanking never hurt anyone.  Cuffing and spanking, or being the recipient of, simply isn't weird enough to be a fetish. 

When I think of the word fetish, I am reminded of an episode of Law and Order (or maybe it was NYPD Blue).  Anyway, a young girl was the victim of someone with a foot fetish.  More specifically, crushing things with feet.  There was a creepy video found of this young girl crushing a worm with her foot.  (Damn.  I sure hope my batteries aren't dead, because that shit is hot.) 

Okay, I'm kidding...although, she did have a really nice pedicure.  So.  Fetish Ass.  Oh baby!

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The whole "Fifty Shades" craze just reminds me that people are fucking strange.  You never know what they're really thinking or what they might be like in private.  For instance, I once dated someone who was perfectly normal - in a manner of speaking and what's normal anyway? - but I'll be damned if he didn't get off on licking my teeth.  WTF?   Now, it's normal to graze a molar or two in the course of kissing...but when you are deliberately licking someone's teeth like candy, well, that's just fucking weird.  I eventually spoke up and put a stop to that.  It was very distracting.  Nose licking, however, is where it's at.  Just saying.  (Yes, I'm kidding...this is silly ass blog, remember?)

Now if you'll excuse me, my silly ass has some more shameless flirting to do.  I shall avoid teeth lickers and anyone staring at my feet for more than two seconds.

As for Alicia Silverstone...she might actually have a clue.  In the course of writing this silly ass blog, I discovered her website http://www.thekindlife.com/
Now she is a sweet ass, so be sure to check it out.  I'm definitely going to try the truffles.

Silly ass signing off, for now.




  









All over the map with both hands on the wheel...best road trip ever!

Way too wordy an episode. . .
Likes to ride standing up
on a bumpier road.
Yang says "What do you think, the kid,
he was trying to say?"
The kid screams out "I'm just an accident,
I didn't plan it this way."

Giant Sand - Pathfinder

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Hello!  Check out the really cool map above.  This is your soul wandering and flailing its way through the mind, I think.  It's all over the map isn't it?  This is true for everyone, no matter how hard we try to pretend otherwise.  

However, if you have both hands (yin/yang) on the wheel...you might actually find your way home without stepping on a land mine and blowing your ass off the planet. 

And roadblocks?  Pffft...goes without saying.  But every roadblock you encounter is an opportunity to see what you keep missing on the road home.  The number of times you encounter the same roadblock is directly related to how stubborn you are.  I must admit that I've been very stubborn. 

Fortunately, I found the spiritual nerve to crash through a very familiar roadblock.  I'm sure there are more ahead, but this one is no longer in my way:

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And thanks to some very special friends, I am closer to this:

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All over the map with both hands on the wheel? 

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However, I am currently cruising with a strong right hand and a leisurely left hand hanging out the window...looks like this:

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Best road trip ever!  I am blessed.

What are your roadblocks?  What will it take for you to hit the gas and crash on through? 

I Will Lay Me Down...in one take!

“I'll take your part, when darkness comes…”

Bridge Over Troubled Water/Simon and Garfunkel

If the human experience is an ongoing attempt to find our way back home and the family is one’s personal stage for evolving all emotion and ego that stands in the way, at what point do we cross over and how do we do that exactly?  Are we looking for a ladder to climb and rise above the waters of discontent? And are we rising above or merely escaping?  What if there’s no bridge or solid ground when we get there?

I don’t have definitive answers to those questions, but I’m certain I was offered a glimpse or two during a recent production within my own family.  I was handed a backstage pass and managed to keep my seat and exercise what I will refer to as compassionate observation.  This was not deliberate.  It simply happened. 

The inspiration for this article is also simple…this has never happened to me.  I found the road less traveled in my funny, sad, pathetic and beautiful life, and I took it.  

On any given day, the family unit will perform multiple acts in a continuous play.  The script will vary and the cast members will change, depending on whose ego shows up for rehearsal and the corresponding emotional issues that seek center stage.  Which leads to a very important question:  Who’s directing?

If I may boldly say so, I do have the definitive answer to that question.  When you allow yourself to be drawn into a battle that does not belong to you, then you have automatically placed yourself in the director’s chair. 

This director’s chair is easily granted to anyone who walks into an argument between two family members, sees yet another freshly-opened can of worms (same brand, same flavor) and blindly takes the mop.  If you’re paying attention, you will recognize that the one handing you the mop is typically the one who opened the can of worms in the first place. 

Long story short, someone spilled a can of worms this weekend - all over my nice, clean kitchen! - and expected me to clean it up. I was tempted for a moment, but decided my arms were tired.  Instead, I took a nap. 

Yep, the director took a narcoleptic plunge and the worms began to squirm. A few of them even turned on each other.  One escaped and found a temporary director.  But eventually, they grew weary and quiet.  What was that all about?  Left to their own devices, natural improvisational skills were awakened and they crossed over…without me.

My spiritual journey is still wearing diapers, but while I was napping I dreamt of the realization that maybe the best way to cross over is to become the bridge.  I will lay me down.  Indeed.

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