I Do, I Did, I'm Done

Fawn Lowery is my favorite woman.  I didn't know this until her marriage was over. (More on Miss Fawn aka the Slutty Goddess in a future post, for she is totally blogworthy.)

And here's hoping she will feel the same about me when my marriage is over.  If I evolve and grow as well as she has, I'll be happy. 

Actually, I'm happy now.  I'm just not ecstatic.  Major life changes such as divorce are never easy, even when it's the right thing to do.  It unsettles the spirit that wants attachment and old fears threaten to surface. Of course, I'm always wanting to talk about these things and I married a man who does not have a preference for what I consider to be meaningful conversations.  Everybody's different. 

But relationships do get lost in the absence of meaningful communication. Always. Mine didn't have a clue. I shall call this phenomena falling head over heels with your eyes closed.  And since this thing called love that we search for outside ourselves is subject to emotional baggage (old and new), the opportunity exists to recognize it and heal by means of the relationship you've attracted or choose not to and let the relationship collapse. It really is that simple.  Face it or fuck it.

And given the baggage we all carry, there's no such thing as a perfect relationship. We are human, therefore perfect isn't possible.  But you do need to know when to let it go. When and if the time comes you need to book a flight as far away as possible and hope your baggage gets lost by the airline.  Unfortunately, more often than not it follows you home. 

So how does an outgoing, outspoken soul attract one that is emotionally unavailable?  That is the question I'm asking myself now. I don't know the answer to that yet, but you can bet that I will spend however much time it takes to figure it out.  After all, that's why we're here.  And relationships - good, bad and everything in between - are the best source for learning about yourself.  If you don't learn, you will make the same mistakes again and again.  I shall call this phenomena running in place.  Just think about it.

I did manage to make progress.  Once upon a time I was married to someone who was sometimes physically abusive and often verbally abusive, the end of which was a long and emotionally exhausting rollercoaster of abuse that transcended the divorce.  I didn't get married again until eight years later.  And I only dated four men during that time, the last one being the one that made me think I could do it again.  Well, I managed to not attract physical abuse and not much at all in the way of verbal abuse...but emotionally unavailable did present itself.  What?  Where did that come from?  Again, that's what I'm trying to figure out.  I could focus my energy on the emotional unavailability of another (which is nothing but a clever distraction), or I can focus on what is obviously - still - not available within me. 

It won't be easy given the human tendency to project, but I'll get there. I'm on board for the shift in consciousness predicted for 2012.  If you see me somewhere still running in place, just shoot me.

Evolving just plain sucks sometimes.