Ting Tang Walla Walla Yin Yang

I told the witch doctor you didn't love me nice
And then the witch doctor, he gave me this advice
He said to ...

Witch Doctor - David Seville (Ross Bagdaserian Jr)

So my husband and I finally found ourselves on the "same page" for the first time in I don't know how long.  Quite a few pages actually, since even an uncontested divorce with a signed settlement agreement is quite lengthy.  

He's still in the house which is providing us with all sorts of opportunities, ranging from silence to somewhat friendly chit chat...and sometimes anger.  Mostly mine. I am the one who wears my heart on my sleeve and he is the wall I bang my head against.  Neither of us is right and neither of us is wrong.  It simply is what it is. 

And while it is my nature to question the underlying reasons for relationships at any stage, I am not immune to getting caught in the trappings of human angst along the way. 

Don't get me wrong.  I want this divorce.  I need this divorce.  We both do. But right now I'm feeling very angry and I don't know why.  I know it's a normal part of the process, but I want to know why. 

A friend of mine told me that my husband and I were like two children in a sandbox, with a line drawn between our toys.  This is a very good analogy as far as I'm concerned.  I showed him my toys, even the broken ones.  He guarded his.  And we're both fiery, strong-willed Leos who love to have a good time and make things fun for others.  Unfortunately, we sure didn't make things fun for each other.  Here's a good place to mention that I had an astrological reading some months ago and when I told the astrologer that my husband and I were born three days apart in the same year he had to check that out.  He told me that I was in the process of redefining myself (I thought everyone was) and that he would never have put the two of us together.  He was so matter-of-fact that his statement lingered and my thoughts were drawn to visions of why this would be true.

Relationships are just a hot evolutionary mess, but make no mistake about it...the most difficult relationships are the ones we need to pay attention to.  Difficult relationships teach us more than the easy ones I believe.  That's why they're so uncomfortable.  But when you find yourself banging your head against a wall it's time to wake up.

I'm awake for the first time in years.  I feel like I've been crawling through a tunnel through all manner of unnamed shit and debris.  There was no light and I had to feel my way.  Needless to say, my knees and elbows are bruised and bleeding and I don't smell so good right now. 

Call me crazy, I am grateful.  Just when I think I'm ready to receive, I find that once again I have very cleverly set up yet another road block. 

If you look back and you're honest with yourself, you will recognize every time that you have done that as well. 

How can I be angry with someone for not giving me what I want, when I deliberately attracted someone I knew would never give it to me in the first place?  That's why I'm angry.  That is the only reason we are ever angry, I think. 

I'll figure it out.  We all will.  If not this life, the next.

Bing bang!