Ting Tang Walla Walla Yin Yang

I told the witch doctor you didn't love me nice
And then the witch doctor, he gave me this advice
He said to ...

Witch Doctor - David Seville (Ross Bagdaserian Jr)

So my husband and I finally found ourselves on the "same page" for the first time in I don't know how long.  Quite a few pages actually, since even an uncontested divorce with a signed settlement agreement is quite lengthy.  

He's still in the house which is providing us with all sorts of opportunities, ranging from silence to somewhat friendly chit chat...and sometimes anger.  Mostly mine. I am the one who wears my heart on my sleeve and he is the wall I bang my head against.  Neither of us is right and neither of us is wrong.  It simply is what it is. 

And while it is my nature to question the underlying reasons for relationships at any stage, I am not immune to getting caught in the trappings of human angst along the way. 

Don't get me wrong.  I want this divorce.  I need this divorce.  We both do. But right now I'm feeling very angry and I don't know why.  I know it's a normal part of the process, but I want to know why. 

A friend of mine told me that my husband and I were like two children in a sandbox, with a line drawn between our toys.  This is a very good analogy as far as I'm concerned.  I showed him my toys, even the broken ones.  He guarded his.  And we're both fiery, strong-willed Leos who love to have a good time and make things fun for others.  Unfortunately, we sure didn't make things fun for each other.  Here's a good place to mention that I had an astrological reading some months ago and when I told the astrologer that my husband and I were born three days apart in the same year he had to check that out.  He told me that I was in the process of redefining myself (I thought everyone was) and that he would never have put the two of us together.  He was so matter-of-fact that his statement lingered and my thoughts were drawn to visions of why this would be true.

Relationships are just a hot evolutionary mess, but make no mistake about it...the most difficult relationships are the ones we need to pay attention to.  Difficult relationships teach us more than the easy ones I believe.  That's why they're so uncomfortable.  But when you find yourself banging your head against a wall it's time to wake up.

I'm awake for the first time in years.  I feel like I've been crawling through a tunnel through all manner of unnamed shit and debris.  There was no light and I had to feel my way.  Needless to say, my knees and elbows are bruised and bleeding and I don't smell so good right now. 

Call me crazy, I am grateful.  Just when I think I'm ready to receive, I find that once again I have very cleverly set up yet another road block. 

If you look back and you're honest with yourself, you will recognize every time that you have done that as well. 

How can I be angry with someone for not giving me what I want, when I deliberately attracted someone I knew would never give it to me in the first place?  That's why I'm angry.  That is the only reason we are ever angry, I think. 

I'll figure it out.  We all will.  If not this life, the next.

Bing bang!

I Do, I Did, I'm Done

Fawn Lowery is my favorite woman.  I didn't know this until her marriage was over. (More on Miss Fawn aka the Slutty Goddess in a future post, for she is totally blogworthy.)

And here's hoping she will feel the same about me when my marriage is over.  If I evolve and grow as well as she has, I'll be happy. 

Actually, I'm happy now.  I'm just not ecstatic.  Major life changes such as divorce are never easy, even when it's the right thing to do.  It unsettles the spirit that wants attachment and old fears threaten to surface. Of course, I'm always wanting to talk about these things and I married a man who does not have a preference for what I consider to be meaningful conversations.  Everybody's different. 

But relationships do get lost in the absence of meaningful communication. Always. Mine didn't have a clue. I shall call this phenomena falling head over heels with your eyes closed.  And since this thing called love that we search for outside ourselves is subject to emotional baggage (old and new), the opportunity exists to recognize it and heal by means of the relationship you've attracted or choose not to and let the relationship collapse. It really is that simple.  Face it or fuck it.

And given the baggage we all carry, there's no such thing as a perfect relationship. We are human, therefore perfect isn't possible.  But you do need to know when to let it go. When and if the time comes you need to book a flight as far away as possible and hope your baggage gets lost by the airline.  Unfortunately, more often than not it follows you home. 

So how does an outgoing, outspoken soul attract one that is emotionally unavailable?  That is the question I'm asking myself now. I don't know the answer to that yet, but you can bet that I will spend however much time it takes to figure it out.  After all, that's why we're here.  And relationships - good, bad and everything in between - are the best source for learning about yourself.  If you don't learn, you will make the same mistakes again and again.  I shall call this phenomena running in place.  Just think about it.

I did manage to make progress.  Once upon a time I was married to someone who was sometimes physically abusive and often verbally abusive, the end of which was a long and emotionally exhausting rollercoaster of abuse that transcended the divorce.  I didn't get married again until eight years later.  And I only dated four men during that time, the last one being the one that made me think I could do it again.  Well, I managed to not attract physical abuse and not much at all in the way of verbal abuse...but emotionally unavailable did present itself.  What?  Where did that come from?  Again, that's what I'm trying to figure out.  I could focus my energy on the emotional unavailability of another (which is nothing but a clever distraction), or I can focus on what is obviously - still - not available within me. 

It won't be easy given the human tendency to project, but I'll get there. I'm on board for the shift in consciousness predicted for 2012.  If you see me somewhere still running in place, just shoot me.

Evolving just plain sucks sometimes.